Online dating…. I have been beyond hesitant about trying it. I mean….how many times have I come home exhausted from work, had a nice hot bath, poured myself a glass of cabernet (okay two glasses), and curled up in my duvet to find my remote scanning the channels until it lands on a Lifetime made for TV movie, you know those made for TV movies that women secretly love? The ones where the men are all some form of a killer/stalker/beater/thief? Only to get engrossed in another story where after 2 hours of drama, it ends with a note reminding us that this story was based on a true story, causing you get up from your cozy bed to check that you really did lock and chain your front door when you came home.
So… Online dating has always seemed a little dodgy to me, I mean I have never wanted to end up the subject of a Lifetime movie as a victim of some dating-website-serial-killer. Besides that, how can you tell from a picture and answers to often bizarre questions if you will be a match with some random guy? I can’t even buy clothes on the internet. A picture of a beautiful dress is really worthless until you try it on to see how it fits to your body, examine the fabric for quality, and see how the movement and flow suits you, so an online purchase is about as guaranteed as a win at the tables in Vegas. So how, HOW, HOW I ask can I possibly find a man online?
Well peer pressure pushed me with their litany of excuses as to why not to try… …. ‘Janell, it’s how it’s done now’…. ‘I know someone who met her husband on line’…… ‘It is really fun!!!’…. ‘Guys don’t approach girls anymore’… and on…and on…and on…So much so I was pushed and pressured, even gently bullied by my best bitches into trying the world of online dating.
A hesitant me set up my little profile, and decided to try a free site whose questions would not require me to spend 3 hours of my time to answer, and chose four pictures that truly represented who I was. A few hours later, I went back in and to my surprise I had over 50 requests from men who wanted to meet me. I had an instant ego boost thinking that I must be insanely popular and ‘gee’ my girlfriends were right this time, but then seconds later after having opened up a few of my potential candidates, my ego boast quickly deflated and I found myself shocked and horrified by some of the men who found me ‘interest worthy’.
A now humbled me read through their profiles and perused their pictures trying to understand how some of these men thought that I might be a match for them: a 25 year old father of two living in Valencia, a 60 year old bearded beer belly mechanic from the valley, a man who wanted a threesome with me and his ugly girlfriend named ‘Little Debbie’…. Did they not see the ‘sequent-dress-high-heels-globe-trotting-social-butterfly’ profile pictures and take one look and just say no?
Freak show aside I finally narrowed it down to three candidates that were definitely the best of the lot:
Candidate A : Handsome, tall, educated architect, age appropriate who seemed rather sweet. Email dialogue pleasant until I questioned why someone who was 6 foot 4 had such a little dog? (Me wondering…is he married, does he have a girlfriend??? I mean a Chihuahua?) Candidate A responded that it wasn’t his dog, it was his friend’s dog (seriously?) and that he had ‘kitty cats’. He went on and on about his ‘kitty cats’ and how he loved his ‘kitty cats’ and how he couldn’t live without his ‘kitty cats’. Candidate A did not receive a response back from me after that.
Candidate B: Older, sweet looking, business man who had a kind face. Emails interesting until he asked me to send a few recent pictures as he had a bad experiences with women who did not resemble their photos at all. I felt a bit uncomfortable, but sent a recent one with a friend at an event, and a second group shot of some of my friends and I standing in the kitchen at Cut restaurant in Beverly Hills with none other than Wolfgang Puck himself. He thanked me for the photos, and asked “By the way, who’s the chef?” REALLY!!!!…… he didn’t recognize Wolfgang Puck; the chef whose face is plastered on everything from soup cans to Oscar glam? That is how Candidate B was deleted from the list.
Candidate C: Cute, writer, comedian, age appropriate, aggressively pursuant. Not a big email fan, so after a few conversations, date one happened. And to my surprise, it was great. He was shorter than his profile had implied, but interesting and we hit it off. Date two….I was actually looking forward to it. Until, for some reason, during dinner, he started to talk about his ‘ex-tattooed-pill-addicted-suicide-attempting-ex-girlfriend’ and her new ‘gangbanger-Mohawk-haired-boyfriend’, who had threatened him in text messages, and somehow this had resulted in a personal encounter that resulted in ‘knife-treats-fights-police-and-lawyers’. Candidate C could not understand why I didn’t take him up on his offer for a ride home.
That was it; I shut down my profile (at least for now) on “Ok Stupid”. Back to the real world and hoping to meet someone in ‘life’. My brief stint on ‘Ok Stupid’ did teach me a few things that I need to pass on in case you decide to brave that sea of insanity:
1.Make sure you have a ‘weed wacker’ beside you to cut out the crazy ones right away.
2.Realize that even though there are a lot of lonely people out there, narrowing it down to the best of the worst isn’t always saying much.
3. Remember your value and integrity and that the right person will show up somehow in your life. You may be one of the lucky 1 in 100 that meets your love on line, or in the street, or hey on a stripper pole in a club, but when you meet them…hold on to them because……IT SURE IS HELL TRYING TO FIND THEM!