Retrograde…literally means, moving backward. The most feared retrograde, at least to us astrology loving chicks (and some guys too), is that nasty little calamity occurring three to four times a year  known as …..Mercury in Retrograde.

What does Mercury in Retrograde mean? Well, basically, according to astrology, it means that the planet Mercury – which rules communication, intellect, awareness, and short distance travel –  slows down giving the illusion that it is moving backwards.  So during Mercury in Retrograde, the positive effects of the planet Mercury have the reverse effects, resulting in:  horrible communication, absence of intellect, lack of awareness and travel nightmares.   Basically, life as we know it is ….fucked up.

So naturally, during Mercury in Retrograde, I am extra careful.  Because on top of the retrograde, I have the added additional astrological stress of being a – Sagittarian. Worse, a November 29^th Sagittarian, which means that I am:  energetic, adventurous, optimistic, and honest –  often brutally honest (brutal being the key word here).  So, even on a good day when there is no retrograde, my abundant-energy-adventurous-optimistic nature often makes me absent-minded and I tend to trip, fall and walk into walls that I swear weren’t there.  Worse, I have lived life looking upon the shocked look on people’s faces when something honest and true pops out of my mouth in a way that makes the recipient want to crawl into a hole and die.  So when Mercury in Retrograde hits, I fear for my life, and the lives of those around me….in every sense of the word.

Well, this past retrograde, even with my well intentioned astrologically warned ‘I must pay attention to every detail’ mind – the SHIT still HIT THE FAN!!!! Where, where, where to begin…..?

 Let’s start with Communication….

Sometimes, expressing yourself isn’t always a prudent idea, especially when Mercury is in retrograde and with a Neanderthal Egomaniac that enjoys taunting you at all costs.  Let’s call him Scorpio Gym.  Scorpio Gym and I have been gym friends for the last six years, approximately 2190 days. Of which I would estimate about 20 percent of these days  – 438 or so (my friends might say its higher) – he has rendered me speechless, or teary eyed from his stinging Scorpio comments.

Comments where he tries to undermine…….

….my appearance – ‘You look like a rag-a-muffin in the gym hardy har har har!’

….my intellect –‘Let me guess, you bought shoes instead of investing in your 40lk, you’re such a girl!’

….my future  – ‘You need to stop fueling the economy and save your pennies because let’s face it, your chances of getting married are slim!’

…..comments that he laughs away with a grin on his face, and a sneer on his lip all the while knowing that what he has said – even though he jokes it off as ‘teasing’ – can sting and hurt a sensitive Sagittarian girl.  And let’s face it.  Comments that are down-right mean!

So a few months ago, after he had been away for the winter hiding out in his desert home, and when the first words that came out of his mouth were ones that put me down, I somehow recovered and managed to continue the conversation until I got home, sat down and thought…why the hell am I allowing this idiot into my air space?  Scorpio Gym can be charming, witty, funny, interesting and can actually be helpful when asked, but the snarly-assed-insult-laden mouth of his had finally broken the straw that was my camel’s back.

So I decided….to ignore him. Which I did, quite successfully, I will add.   So successfully that it started to be noticed by one of my gym friends, Marty – who was also friendly with Scorpio Gym and whom had also been bitten by his striking venom in the past.   Marty suggested I talk to Scorpio Gym and ‘nicely’ explain to him why his remarks bothered me, so as to hopefully clear the air; perhaps allowing him to think before he spewed verbal venom in the future.

So, in the middle of the retrograde cycle, on the stairs of the gym, and hot and sweaty me tried to strike up a conversation and when the words ‘you can be really mean’ were trickling out of my mouth, Scorpio Gym stung back with verbal vengeance so powerful that the result is now a Cold War between Scorpio Gym and little me.  Communication, rather miscommunication, at its worst…situation anything but rectified.  Mercury in Retrograde….

And then there was the Travel….

Then….  at the end of the work week, five days after the above conversation took place –  Mercury still in her full retrograde swing –  I was running  my last work errand of the week.  Sitting on Rodeo Drive in bumper to bumper  Beverly-Hills-Friday afternoon traffic,  I was contemplating my weekend plans when….SMACK!  Something hit my car! Out of my driver’s side window, I noticed a black car racing away, and realized that some idiot had hit me – sideswiped my car – and from the blur of the black it appeared that, no, they weren’t stopping to apologize.  A shocked me said out loud…. ‘Oh my God that fucking idiot just hit my car and is taking off.’

I am not sure where my ninga energy came from, but all I remember was opening my car door – leaving it wide open  so the other drivers around would realize I was in distress –  and I running down Rodeo Drive, iPhone in hand, trying to get a picture of the black blur of a car.  I was somewhat in luck because the light had just turned red, and the black blur of a car was stopped ready to turn left as soon as the light turned green.

A frantic me tapped on the window, and this girl looked up, and as she rolled down the window with a dazed look on her face, I blurted out ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’  To which she said, ‘Don’t swear at me, leave me alone.’  (Okay, so she may have mistaken me for a blonde crazy homeless person begging for money when I first approached, had she NOT just rammed into someone and ran!!!)  I replied, ‘are you fucking kidding me, you just hit my car and now you are taking off, it’s called a hit in run bitch. You need to pull your damn car over now. I have a picture of your plates.’  To which she replied, ‘Oh I didn’t know I hit anything.’ I said, ‘When you pull over, you will see how your car is scratched the hell up all over.’

The now, apologetic black blur of a car driver – knowing she was caught – made her way out of traffic as I ran back to my car and followed her for three blocks until she managed to pull over and call her daddy for help.  (Gotta love Beverly Hills when the papa comes a running). Knowing his daughter was guilty of a hit and run, he was a sweet as could be, and a now calmed me  – polite and charming as well.  (My truck driver mouth only comes out in moments of extreme stress.)

But really, did I need this? I had been in car accident a few months prior, which was my fault, and which had caused my insurance to swell to a point where I seriously thought about selling my car and walking and Ubering for a year or so.  Even though I knew that this accident wasn’t my fault, I worried and fretted all weekend long that somehow black blurry car girl would try and twist this around and make it my fault.

Relief only came on Monday afternoon, when the father called and once again apologized and said he was making a claim with his insurance.  Relieved, but still, I now had to deal with the whole mess, the estimate, the garage, the rental, the dull and life interrupting details it took to clean up someone else’s mess.

Black blurry car driver’s lack of awareness, and hey, sorry lack of intellect if she ‘really’ didn’t realize she had hit something, had caused a Mercury in Retrograde nightmare travel nightmare for me….

Oh no….now it’s the gadgets that have gone haywire….

Part of Mercury in Retrograde’s charm is that when communication goes awry, it affects communication on all levels…Not just communication between him and her and her and him etc., it causes electronic communications of all kinds to go haywire.  Anything related to communication is screwed. In fact, they say not to buy or purchase anything mechanical during this time because you will likely buy….a lemon.

So of course, on the Saturday when my boss was travelling and when all hell was breaking loose because everything that could go wrong was going wrong, I got up to get a nice cold glass of ice water, and I heard this weird beep coming from my alarm.  A weird beep followed by a yellow light on the alarm panel.  So I went to google the number to the alarm company and noticed I was off line and disconnected.  I knew that meant that the internet was down, so I went to call AT&T to see if there was an outage in my area, only to find a dead phone line! And then it dawned on me….I was in a Mercury in Retrograde bundling nightmare.  My alarm went through my phone line, and my phone line and my internet were bundled to save money and I was now…..FUCKED!

I frantically called on my cell phone and was of course redirected to AT& T Manila, or was it AT & T Philippines, or was it AT&T Jamaica or was AT&T India? I don’t remember which country I spoke to – but whatever her name was and wherever she was – I tried to explain in a frenetic panicked voice that my technology-dependent life was completely dead and I needed help.  She determined – somehow from 10,000 miles away and in broken  (yet very very polite) English, that my modem was dead – and that she was happy to let me know that the next available appointment for a technician to come out and fix my problem was the following  Thursday from 8 to 12 noon.

I pleaded, I begged, I offered to go to a distributor and purchase a modem myself…but no matter how hard I tried, the only solution was the long waiting game.   A five days out, plus taking time off work to stay home and wait and hope that they showed up and were able to fix it, kind of a  waiting game.

My technology-dependent life crumbled before my eyes.  I was suddenly grateful that I hadn’t bundled my cable with everything else, because even though my ability to work was impeded completely  – okay sorry, working from your iPhone is limited at best, and oh yeah…my iPad needed the wifi, which wasn’t working so that wasn’t an option either –  at least I still had Time Warner Cable and Tevo.  And wine, I still had wine.  The universe wasn’t dead, just greatly interrupted. Mercury in Retrograde…..

And that is when……

I looked up Mercury in Retrograde on my Safari on my iPhone, and saw that I still had at least 6 days left to deal with its challenging effects, and decided that maybe some isolation time by myself would be healing.  Time by myself, making exception of course for my friends at ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX and Lifetime – and my other friend I like to call, Cabernet.

Janell in Retrograde officially….signed out!

http://astrology.about.com/od/advancedastrology/p/MercuryRetro.htm   To learn more about Mercury in Retrograde –  click on the link….

http://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/mercury.html  I love Susan Miller’s astrology, to learn the Mercury in Retrograde dates to avoid in 2016…read here! click on the link……