5 Break Up Stages to becoming Single
So, you got dumped. Just when you thought you had met your match, the man or woman of your dreams dumped your ass so suddenly that you feel like a truck ran you over and there is no way that you will ever be able to pick yourself up from it. The shock, the loss, the sadness, the heartache, and the fear of being alone are swirling in your head to the point that you feel like you are on a bad Merry-Go-Round from Hell.
When you become single after being in a relationship, the process of coming out the other side in one piece, is akin to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief when a loved one dies. The difference being that the fucker who dumped you is still alive and living, and you are the one who feels like you have died. So how do we survive a break-up and go through the Break Up Stages and come through it without ‘boiling bunnies’?
Let’s see how an LA girl or Edmonton Girl or Duluth Girl might navigate the Break-Up Stages:
Miss-DENIAL: “I can’t believe he dumped me! Everyone said I was the best thing that ever happened to him!” “Maybe he just had a bad day and lashed out at me?” “ I am sure after a few days he will miss me so much that it will dawn on him what a stupid mistake he made.” “Maybe I should send him a text and check in on him.” “I think I will text his best friend and have him talk to him; I mean, he is going to snap out of it, right?” “I know this is only temporary, he will come around; boys always do.” “Maybe I should call him and leave a sweet message and let him know I am thinking about him, and tell him how much I love him.” UGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Okay, Miss-DENIAL…you were dumped. Your love, your soulmate, your paramour kicked you to the curb. You are allowed to wallow for a day or two hoping that the idiot who make the colossal mistake of letting you go, will change his mind and come running back with his tail between his legs and flowers in his hand. But staying in DENIAL of the situation won’t make it any better. Talk to your friends, call your mom, sob your heart out – but don’t text him, call him, Facebook-stalk him, or do drive-bye’s to see what he is up to. And after you have finished wallowing and sobbing, something eventually will happen that will force you to head into the Second of the Break Up Stages, when…… you go from thinking “After two years together he fucking dumped me for no apparent reason?”…..To….
Miss-ANGER: “OMG, It’s been like a second and he already has another girlfriend!” “Was he seeing her when we were together?” “ Was he cheating on me?” “ I can’t believe he dumped me for her fat ass!” “What a jackass!” “I want to fucking beat on him.” “He took the best years of my life.” “I am going to find that Bitch and teach her a lesson or two about ‘boyfriend stealing!” “He can’t do this to MEEE!” “I am going to tell his Mom he has an STD!” “I want to key his car, who will help me?” “I am going to hack his Facebook account and tell everyone that he has a small dick!”
Okay, Miss-ANGER…. Yeah, he has a girlfriend. And thank God you are now over the DENIAL that he might be coming back, but unfortunately due to your ANGER you can’t see the situation for what it is. You are so caught up in the hurt and the rejection that all you can see is rage. Raging anger that lashes out of you – which is normal and healthy as you need to get the pain out – as long as you don’t act on it, as then you might get arrested or get the reputation of being a psycho …and who needs any of that? Miss-ANGER stays in the ANGER until that time when you start to head into the Third of the Break Up Stages, when…. You start to become exhausted from the ANGER, and worn down from the pain, the loss, and the rejection….when Anger becomes….
Miss-BARGAINING: “Maybe it’s me?” “Maybe I should have gone to the gym with him when he asked?” “Maybe this is my fault?” “Was I not pretty enough – fun enough – smart enough – or sexy enough for him?” “Maybe I pushed him into her arms?” “If I could do it again, I would do it different.” “If I had another chance with him, I would make it right.” “I would be a better-girlfriend, better-lover, better-listener, better-companion…I would just be better.” “If I get the chance again, I will make it right with him.” “This is my fault.” Oh woe is me…..
Okay Miss-BARGAINING….you are starting to look at yourself and blame yourself for the relationship falling apart. You promise yourself that if you had the chance again you would do better, you would make it right…you go from being ANGRY to BARGAINING yourself into a ‘self-absorbed pity party for one’ where you blame yourself for everything that went wrong in the relationship, and promise the universe that, given the chance to make it right, you would be become the ‘Best Fucking Girlfriend Ever’, if loser-boy came back. Except Miss-BARGANING, all this bartering on your part ends up making you doubt yourself, and blame yourself for causing a situation to happen that is now clearly out of your control, and this leads you to….. Stage Four of the Break Up Stages…
Miss-DEPRESSION … “I will never meet a guy like him again.” “He was the best boyfriend ever.” “There will never be another man like him.” “I am going to be single for the rest of my life?” “I should just join a convent now.” “Who is going to want me?” “ I am obviously unlovable.” “I don’t want to get out of bed.” “At least I have Lifetime movies to look forward to, they get my pain, and wallowing in my pain, alone…in my bed…my bed that will always be for one, is all that I want to do.” “I never want to date again!” Oh woe is me, woe is me woe is me….weep…weep….weep
Okay Miss-DEPRESSION … your sad little lonely self can’t seem to wrap your brain around the fact that you are alone, and for some bizarre reason you feel like you will always be alone. You’ve convinced yourself so well during the BARGANING stage that you were to blame for the relationship coming apart, that you are now in a DEPRESSION thinking your life as you know it is over. Even when you friends tempt your with invite to parties, and offer to treat you to dinner, you decline because you explain it away saying that you are lousy company, and you stay in the anti-social ‘the world hates me’ Stage….Until….. something happens that snaps you back into reality and you finally head into Stage 5 of the Break Up Stages.
Miss-ACCEPTANCE … “Really, she cheated on him? How do you know, who told you?” “She said he was lousy in bed?” “Hmmmm. Serves him right!” “What! He showed up on her doorstep and the new guy was there and he caught them banging? Sounds like something he would do, he would never believe a girl would dump him.” “What, he threatened to kill the guy she was with?” “Really, after all that he tried to get her back by bringing the cheating tramp an engagement ring, and she said NO? “Oh, so now he is the one who is inconsolable and depressed and his friends are worried about him.” “Karma!” “Wow…he really is acting like a ….LOSER!” “I am so happy he is someone else’s problem.” “Whew!” “Say, what were you saying about a party tonight in Hollywood?” “Let’s go!”
Okay Miss-ACCEPTANCE…. You finally see the guy for what he is. At least for this chapter of your life history, you can now recognize that the equation of ‘you + him’ = a negative integer. You realize this chapter is closed, should stay closed, and ended for a good reason. And if you are mature, you can see where maybe you went wrong, and try not to make the same mistake again when in a loving relationship. And if you are wise, you will take this experience and use his bad behavior as a barometer for what you won’t accept in your life again.
Once you are Miss-ACCEPTANCE you become you again, and you go forward healed, healthy, hopefully wiser and optimistically happy that you will find love again. And you are single, and becoming single isn’t always an easy thing, but it’s better than being in a bad relationship.
And the 5 Break-Up Stages have gotten you to a place where you are okay with being Single, you have accepted your new status and hopefully are happy enough in yourself again to go forward in life and find a love that is deserving of you.
So the moral of this story is:
- Remember, even though we all have to go through the Five Break Up Stages to land back on our feet, never act on your crazy thoughts because you don’t want some loser in your life to cause you to: end up wearing ‘orange jumpsuits’ for a few years, get a reputation as a psycho girl, or let your anger leave you permanently scarred from within.
- Being Single has its advantages: You can do what you want, when you want, with whom you want! You can spend your money the way you want! You can eat tuna fish out of a can and no one cares!
- And being Single – and not stuck in a bad relationship or a relationship that isn’t leading anywhere – means you are infinitely better off! Put a smile on your face, enjoy your life, be grateful for everything, and your ‘better’ partner will find his or her way to you! Mwau!
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Until next time, xoxo Janell W2W (WheatFieldsToWonderland)