Hookup!?! In case you have been living under a rock, and have no idea what a hookup is, if someone suggests that they would love to hookup with you, they are telling you, upfront, precisely what they are not going to do with you: court you, romance you, or date you. They are letting you know, in a very direct way, that they just want to, umm, fuck you. Forget chivalry, it is dead. Well, you may get a few ‘chivalrous’ glasses of wine out of the dude prior to the actual hookup, but believe me, that is only for his benefit so that your inhibitions are lowered and your limbs are loose.
Am I the only one, in the year 2017, who still feels like I am trapped in a Kelly Clarkson ballad? Sometimes I think I should change my ringtone to her 2009 hit “I Do Not Hook Up”. I guess I am one of those weird girls, whose heart and mind and body are intertwined to the point that, when it comes to sex, I need all components present at the same time in order for me to, well, umm, perform.
And those components can only really come together after a series of events that require you being physically present on numerous occasions. Or, I need to be completely smashed, which is why I have no more than two glasses of wine until the components mentioned below are in place:
- First, I need to be physically attracted to you; there has to be chemistry, and I can usually tell that from the first meeting or date. (Note to you… Your profile picture online isn’t going to do that for me, and sending me a dick pic will make me scream—and after I have sent the picture of your junk to all of my girlfriends and after we have all had a good laugh— I will block you.)
- Then, I need to find you interesting and intellectually stimulating and actually capable of carrying on a conversation – usually over several dinners, and phone calls. (Note to you… a text does NOT count as a conversation and an emoticon of a happy face doesn’t necessarily denote an answer).
- And then, I have to ascertain that you are relatively emotionally available—or at least emotionally salvageable—as a closed soul is never going to make for a happy me. (Note to you… That means, on our first date, don’t tell me that most women in LA are bitches, or gold diggers, or regale me with stories about how your last girlfriend was a psychotic nightmare. Because then I will assume you are emotionally fucked and not give you a chance to further get to know me.
- Then once, all of the above elements are in place, I still need to spend time with you to try to do my best to ascertain that you aren’t a serial killer, wife beater, drug addict, alcoholic, married cheater, murderer, pedophile, etc. Basically, I need to DATE you! (Note to you… Yeah, I know I watch too many Lifetime movies, but hey, most of them are based on true life.)
Okay, so I know there are tons of girls in Los Angeles who hookup with guys for sex, for money, or for parts in movies. But, as I just outlined above—ever so neatly with bullet points and everything—I am not one of them.
So obviously, when I meet a guy that I think might be a contender, and after a few texts, he says something like ‘so when do you want to hook up’, I cut him off at the pass, so to speak. However, men can be sly and sometimes will not be so obvious with their true intentions towards you. So you need to use your detective skills, and really listen to what they say or text. Unless of course, you just want to hookup too.
A couple of months ago, a handsome guy I met kept texting me and flirting with me, but never actually asked me out on a date. He was such a busy professional man that he could never make plans, and when he would make an attempt to see me, it was always at the last minute. He would text me things like, ‘hey, I am in your area, I have a free hour, are you around’? Seriously, even if I was around, does he really think I would drop everything I was doing to meet up with him? Not only do I have a job, a blog and a busy social life, I also treasure my alone time and my home time. So dropping some of my ‘Janell priorities’ to run to meet him at a moment’s notice was not something I was willing to do.
Plus, in my mind, that sets a bad precedent of how you will allow someone to treat you. If you will literally drop your life and run to meet a guy, on some level it is showing him that you value his time more than your time; in essence, subliminally telling him that you are going to value him over yourself. Unless the guy is a control freak, a real man wants a real women who knows her worth, so a relationship that starts out by your ‘hoop-jumping-I-will-do-anything-to meet-you-attitude’ is doomed – for you – right from the start.
Eventually, he went from last minute meeting requests and subtle hookup suggestions to more obvious and overtly sexual or inappropriate texts. I loved this one (sarcasm gush gush) when he texted that he was in the area and when I told him I wasn’t home:
Seriously! Fold my Laundry! More likely you want fold my girlie bits, or maybe you are a cross dresser and really do want to fold my laundry as you would like to play with my panties? If that is the case, in my books, you are a… WEIRDO!
Thinking I had perhaps misjudged the above text, and possibly his sense of humor was lost on me, I decided to give this dude one more chance, and when he suggested we should schedule a time to meet up, me thinking he was finally ‘getting it’ later received the text below…
You want to give me a foot massage, after I said yes to getting together? I meant outside of my apartment, dumbass! Like dinner, or drinks… you want to smell my feet before you even get to know what kind of perfume I wear? Ew! The happy faced emoticons and ‘lol’s were not minimizing the true intent of his words, sadly for…him!
Then there was the one that ended it for me….
“Umm, no I don’t. Really, no I don’t.” … I, of course, never responded to him again.
At this point, I was done playing this little cat and mouse texting game with him. Truthfully, I shouldn’t have let it linger on as long as I did, as from the first few texts when he didn’t ask me out on a proper date, I knew that he wasn’t a contender. But it was amusing to watch him keep trying even after I continually shot him down. But, at a certain point, amusing becomes annoying.
So what should I do in this Hookup Hollywood world that I live in? Should I tell a guy straight up that I am not a hookup chic and save both of us from wasting our time? Or do I keep playing the game and hope that one of these men might get intrigued enough to actually take the time to get to know me? Ugh!!!!
Well, as I still believe in love, I know that if I keep putting my little fishing pole in to the dating pool that, eventually, the right fish will take the bait. So I won’t give up, but I also won’t compromise who I am: HOOKUP NO, HAPPY YES!
And the moral of this Hookup World Hollywood Hookup LA lifestyle is…
- Never compromise yourself: there is only one you, and liking you is the more important than pleasing anyone else.
- A hookup isn’t a bad thing, if that’s what you are into, enjoy! But respect when someone else doesn’t feel the same way you do.
- And, I guess if you are a guy reading this, you might not want to date me now, lol….but truthfully I don’t give a … fuck! (double entendre, I couldn’t resist!)
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