Don’t DRINK and SWIPE
So, what do I mean when I say Don’t DRINK and SWIPE?
Hmm… Let me set the scene for you.
So, it’s Saturday night, and just as you were getting ready to head out the door looking your most glamorous self, your friend texts you that she suddenly she has to postpone. Postpone because… well, who cares why, WE ALL KNOW it’s a lie. No one cancels 15 minutes before you are to meet them! There is NO good reason for that, unless you’re in a car crash, or someone has just died or, well, you died, in which case you would not be able to text your friend to cancel.
So now, you are left to your own sad, lonely devices. As you start to take off your make-up, you walk over the fridge and look inside to find nothing, nothing at all that looks palatable to eat. However, you notice a stack of take-out menus by your phone, and after perusing through them you call and order Chinese food. By the time the food has arrived, you are cozy in your jammies, lying in bed sipping a large glass of Cabernet and watching a Lifetime movie while at the same time, trying not to feel pathetic.
Yeah, but you DO feel PATHETIC!
After you answer the door, and tip the delivery guy, you head back into the kitchen with your glass of now almost empty Cabernet. You plop the bag of food down by the open bottle of wine, dish up a plate full of yummy Chinese broccoli and garlic shrimp, rip open the paper concealing the chop-sticks, stick them into your food and fill up your glass of Cabernet.
Now, back cozy in your bed, watching your Lifetime movie, eating your food and sipping your wine, suddenly life doesn’t look so bad. The future looks rosy, or maybe it’s just the hue of the rosy red Cabernet. Before you know it, two hours have flown by. And, just as you predicted, the heroine’s boyfriend really was the serial killer! In the last five minutes (it’s always in the last five minutes of a Lifetime movie) the boyfriend was unveiled to be the killer he was, the heroine barely missing falling prey to his evil clutches.
You get up, stretch, put your empty dishes in the dishwasher, and any leftover Chinese food into the fridge for the night. Your wine glass is once again empty, so you walk over the bottle of wine, lift it up and you notice that only a third of the wine is left. So, you start to cork it, putting it back down on the counter. Then, you hesitate—I mean, it’s Saturday night, after all, so you pour yourself another full glass, grab your cell phone and head back to your bed.
Bored, you check out your emails, your Facebook, your Twitter, and your Instagram accounts, ‘liking’ your friends’ pictures—friends by the way who have a LIFE as they are out posting their Saturday night escapades—and suddenly, you feel alone again.
Ah… the SWIPE life of a lonely girl or guy on a Saturday night….
Suddenly, you realize at this moment that what you need is a man! You need a date! You need a boyfriend! HELL, you need a husband! Yes, that’s it, a husband would end this lonely ‘it’s Saturday night and my friend flaked out on me reoccurring scenario’ that you are constantly being tortured with living in a city like Los Angeles. So, what do you do? You head straight to your Bumble account and open it up and… good news! A lot of bees are buzzing about you.
Shit, your night just got better! You are in demand! YOU, MY FRIEND, are a hot commodity! Excited, you jump out of bed, head back into the kitchen, and finish off the bottle of Cabernet, putting the glass on your nightstand as you sit cross-legged on your bed, scrolling through your Bumble site…
Ah yes, Bumble, you are on Bumble ….
You start to look at prospective husbands’ pictures, swiping left almost immediately for most of them. The men who look somewhat attractive you read their profiles to see if they might live up to your ‘husband expectations list’. Perhaps, if they do, you swipe right. Suddenly, you spot a really cute guy! But Goddamn It, he looks just like the serial killer you saw on TV tonight, so you swipe left. Then, you see a handsome man who is also doctor, and you almost swipe right. Yet, on closer inspection, this guy looks like the doctor who was recently on the news for raping his patients, so you swipe left.
It becomes so discouraging that, before you know it, the glass of cabernet sitting on the nightstand is empty; yet, you continue to search for your husband, now in a frenetic fashion, with your vision becoming increasingly blurry from having drunk too much wine. In your tipsy state, you start to swipe right haphazardly. Your swipes are actually verging on a reckless.
And, the crutch of the story…. Don’t DRINK and SWIPE….
The next morning you wake up, your empty glass is still on your nightstand, your cellphone is on your bed. The cell battery is dead, so you get up, feeling like crap, your mouth fuzzy from garlic Chinese food from the night before because you didn’t brush your teeth as you passed out in bed. As you plug your phone in to charge, you hit the button on your coffee maker and climb back into bed until the coffee maker makes five loud and annoying beeps reminding you that your ‘cup of Joe’ and aka ‘hangover drink of choice’ is ready for consumption. After 3 cups of coffee, you feel alive, you feel wired and ready to face the day.
Charged Phone, Charged You….
Finally, your phone is charged up, and then you notice that you have messages in your Bumble account. So, you excitedly start to look at the messages…only to feel horrified by what you find. Who are these men that are sending you emails? Did you actually SWIPE RIGHT last night in ‘their direction?’ Slowly, the fuzzy memory of the frenetic-reckless-sweeping creeps back into your brain. How did you not see that one of them was 4 foot 7, or one had a naked picture in his profile, or how did you miss the fact that one of the men has a wedding ring on his hand?
AND… ‘Oh My God’ the next email you get from a guy whom you swiped right for has just sent you a ‘dick pic’!
Horrified, you exit out of Bumble, jump in the shower then head to the gym to work out and detox.
Do you see why I said Don’t DRINK and SWIPE???
And, the moral of this Don’t DRINK and SWIPE story is…
- When you drink, your perceptions are always altered. A guy that looks cute in the bar after a few glasses of wine might look different in the light of day. Swiping under the influence will only lead to a deeper depression the following morning when your lunatic-inspired swiping only reassures you that… there are no good guys left out there.
- Random swiping is kind of like throwing shit at the wall and hoping eventually some of it will stick. Who the HELL wants shit to ever stick?? Shit stinks!
- Don’t be afraid to go out in life and meet REAL people. Besides, all of the swiping right or left just wears out your index finger. And who needs a ‘swiping injury’?
And, until the dating thing works out GET A DOG, rescue a PUPPY, or at least, read my book available on Amazon called ‘Where the Dogs Go’!
