Dissecting Bumble Boys Profiles
How many single people right now are buzzing on Bumble? Personally, as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of internet dating. When I am on a dating site, I become someone whom I don’t really like. Why? Because I tend to look at a man’s appearance first, and then his occupation. If he doesn’t look attractive or have a professional occupation, I immediately swipe left. It makes me feel shallow, and in real life, a quirky smart guy who is funny will get my attention over a chiseled model. I like to feel someone’s energy, and unfortunately, you can’t tap into a person’s energy when you look at a profile picture online.
And then, there is the profile description, which, maybe I am twisted, but when I read some of the profiles it makes me want to swipe left for my own safety. So, I thought perhaps I would try and help the men on Bumble understand why NOBODY is swiping right in their direction. Or, at least why I am NOT swiping in their direction!
Dissecting the men of Bumble:
Okay, so for the record, the names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the words that follow are precisely what these dudes have stated, spelling and punctuation mistakes and all, to try and lure you into going out with them. Here goes!
Let’s begin with the Bumble Boys who are short of words…
Tom, 57… ‘Let’s Karaoake!’ Tom, that’s all you want to say? If that is all you want to say, perhaps you might want to spell KARAOKE correctly because the only thing I know about you know is the most likely you are not that intelligent.
Jack, 45, ‘actor, nice guy’… Jack, I am sorry but if you are an actor at 45 and all you can say is that you are a nice guy, and you post two pictures of yourself and they are both selfies, I am going to assume that you may be nice, but most likely are a struggling or unemployed actor, and well, I’m sorry but, I dated THAT in my 20’s!
Danny, 42, ‘Love, cook, cuddle, caress’… I get it, you want sex, and somewhere in between sex, you will cook up some eggs so I can renew my strength to have … more sex.
Barton, 44, “It’s not my nature to be mysterious.” Huh? Not only are you not mysterious, but you also have nothing to say. I can only guess you are boring, and what does this mean anyway? I am not even the slightest bit curious to know WHAT your nature is!
Benito, 43, ‘Be real and I be real’… Well, Benito, I’ll be real quick and to the point, I really need more to go on; and, it also makes me wonder if you are into ‘blow-up dolls’, just sayin’, you know, the real part?
The scary Bumble Boy profiles…
Michael, 50 (holding a large piece of wood over his head in his profile picture)…”Look, if we built this large wooden badger?” First of all, What the FUCK? And then secondly, What the FUCK? You don’t make any sense and you are illiterate and WTF! And, you scare me, you really do.
Martin, 49, (and bald and bloated I will add)… Daddy Dom looking for his kinky girl in the bedroom. But, not just looking for random hookups, looking for excitement in life and the bedroom kink friend… OMG, Martin, this is so not ’50 Shades of Grey’ sexy, this is disturbing. This is disturbing.
Dan, 47, ‘Love travel (inner and the world)’… Dan, I am sorry, but I am not into psychotropic drugs, so I swiped left for you.
George, 49, I get distracted by shiny objects. What the Fuck? So, does that mean if you see a shiny knife you might get distracted and want to dissect me? Or, does a diamond ring scare you away. Which is it? Either way, you scare me and I am running as fast as I can from your profile page.
Pelvic-Wizard, 55 (okay, I changed the second word, but it was almost identical)… Umm, women already have pelvic wizards… they are called vibrators. Go away, you are weird.
Bruce, 47 ‘I like naughty and nice, profanity and intelligent conversations… A fun hunter.’… Okay, Bruce, I get that SEX is your main priority, and apparently, you want it a little kinky and vulgar at the same time, yet somehow from a nice intellectual girl. Got it. But what is a ‘fun hunter’? It makes me think you are a serial killer who enjoys it. UGH!
The boring boys of Bumble…
Skippy, 52, ‘A great guy according to my mom.’ Well, Skippy, I am glad that, at 52, your mom still thinks you a great guy, but all it does is reassure me that you are STILL a ‘mama’s boy’, and makes me think that you might also be socially inept. Sorry, but it does.
Geoff, 48, ‘Never married, No Kids, but do 10K steps daily’… So, it’s great to know that you don’t have any illegitimate kids out there being that you have never been married. But, why do you think the fact that you can put in your 10,000 steps a day will lure me in? Sorry Geoff, but this is lame. YAWN!
Anthony, 61 ‘Enjoying this last cycle of life… join me…’ Are you a cult leader?
John, 51, ‘Amicably separated, almost divorced.’… John, John, John, do you know how many married men have hit on me that TELL me that they are separated? Don’t lead with that, and, better yet, wait until you are actually divorced. I mean, who are you planning to lure in with that lead line?
Kelley, 46, ‘Fairly comfortable in my own skin’… It’s the fairly part that has me thrown, Kelley. Why are you only fairly comfortable, what is wrong with you?
Jeff, 49, ‘Widowed, two dogs, and I am only interested in dating women?’ Okay, so you ended it with a question mark, which means you are questioning yourself, and why would you point out that you are only interested in women? I mean this is BUMBLE, not GRINDR. Maybe you need to check out GRINDR. Maybe.
Bumble Boys that make you want to Barf!
Kevon, 54, ‘I’m handsome and wealthy, what more do you need to know?’ Nothing Kevon, absolutely nothing, not into dating Narcissists, swipe LEFT!
Tod ‘(one d), 43, I’m hilarious, fun and successful’… You may be all that Tod with (one d), but the selfie taken from your bathroom gives me good clues as to who you are. First, your bathroom doesn’t scream successful, and why, why are there two hooks with two robes on them behind you. Tod, do you have a wife or girlfriend? Hmm.
Richard, 46, ‘Financially secure, mentally and emotionally stable…’ The fact that you need to point out that you are mentally and emotionally stable in your opening sentence makes me wonder if you have dated a ton of women who weren’t, which means most likely you aren’t emotionally and mentally stable because you dated a lot of crazy chicks… hey, but glad to know that AT LEAST you can pay for therapy.
Lawrence, 44, ‘Expert cuddler and foot massager’… EWE! I can get cuddles from a puppy and I already have a foot massager when I get my pedicure at Wendy Nails on third!
Bumble Boys who are just plain daft!
Tal, 51, ‘like movies, going to Disneyland, and relaxing at home.’ OMG, you are 51 and Disneyland is still your favorite place in the world? What’s wrong with this picture? Plus, when you are not hanging out with Mickey, you like to veg out on your sofa, or heck, maybe splurge for a movie, which I am guessing is on Amazon Prime so you can watch it… from the comfort of your own sofa!
William, 57 ‘I work out daily and like to eat healthy as much as I can, but of course I have my cheating moments.’ First, maybe don’t put the word ‘CHEATING’ in a dating profile, and even if you are talking about food, I am sorry William but you sound… boring.
Chad, 48 ‘A real man like they used to make.’ Umm, I didn’t know that they made men differently now, I am so confused!
Patrick, 41 ‘I want someone who looks at me like Lady Gaga looks at Bradley Cooper.’ I actually have nothing to say about this, nothing. Except, this is just sad, sad, sad.
Larry, 45, ‘Active outdoorsman seeks beautiful mermaid for romantic adventures…” You’re KILLING ME LARRY! Seriously, this is all you have to say? A beautiful mermaid? Oh, now I get it, you are obsessed with Disney’s ‘The Little Mermaid’ and you are looking for your own Ariel. Good Lord!
And, lastly my TWO favorites of my Dissecting the Bumble Boy Investigation…
Bennie, no age listed, ‘A Persian Jew who escaped Iran at the age of 11. I am pro-Israel and have zero tolerance for anti-Semitism. Not to waste anyone’s time, I am 5’6 and a Trump Supporter.’ Okay, so Bennie I am confused, you are against anti-Semitism, which is a form of racism, yet, you support TRUMP? I am confused. So confused. So, so confused.
Mark, 48, ‘If you are using me for my body, Swipe left. If you are using me for a free dinner, swipe left and contact a local shelter.’ Mark, you actually cracked me up and I LAUGHED OUT LOUD! I, swiped right.
So, this is the end of my investigation into the Boys on Bumble. For the record, it only took me 15 minutes of looking at profiles online to come up with the above-mentioned profiles. FIFTEEN MINUTES FOLKS. Now, do you see why I am, and half of LA, is SINGLE!