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WheatFieldstoWonderland

A Canadian Girl's Tips To Remaining Sane In The Upside Down World Of Hollywood

Category Archives: BH Bad Boys

Coffee Date !

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Coffee Date !

 
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Coffee Date

Coffee Date!

A coffee date! So you want to take me out for a cup of coffee; a coffee date. You want our first date to be at Starbucks, or maybe at Peet’s Coffee, or the Coffee Bean. I get that you don’t know me yet, and maybe you don’t want to waste a bunch of money on a girl you don’t know –  but geez – coffee? A coffee date?

I recently met a very handsome Italian man at an event I attended. You know when you meet someone, and there is that ‘instant’ chemical attraction – that animal attraction?  Well, I rarely have that, but on this night, when I least expected it, I met a tall, athletically built, educated, polished, Italian investment banker named Nico.  Over the course of the evening, we ran into each other a few times, and engaged in flirtatious chit-chat to the point that he asked me for my number.  The next day he started to text me right away, telling me how nice it was to meet me, how attractive he found me, and how sweet I seemed – saying all the right things; and he asked when we could get together.   I was pretty busy with work, and, well, my life in general, but I told him that I had some time Thursday evening, and could meet him anywhere in the Beverly Hills or West Hollywood area.   He was free that evening as well, and we made a plan to meet at 7:30 pm, and he said he would get back to me with the ‘where to meet’ on Thursday.

Wow, that was pretty painless, we had a …DATE!

Now for the men out there who are reading this: when we, as women, have a date – a date that starts at 7:30 pm – we  know that it is too late for a happy hour, so we assume that means drinks and appetizers, or maybe even dinner.  And being that it is our first date, and from the outside you appear to be what might be considered  to be an actual contender compared to some of the weirdos that approach us on line, we want to make sure that we make a good impression on the first date.

So, as it was Monday, I knew I had a couple of days to prepare for my ‘Thursday night date with the hot Italian’. Life is busy, especially in a city like LA, but that gave me a couple of days to orchestrate everything I needed to do to get prepared for my big first date – as we all know, that a first impression, is a lasting impression.

My ‘hot date orchestration’ went something like this:

….hmm… It’s Monday, okay so  I better clean my place tonight, just in case, for some reason I let him drive me home and he wants to see where I live, I better make sure it looking ‘mint’…because…

…Tuesday night I need to go shopping after work, I want to find shoes to go with the new dress I bought last week, as I have been dying to wear it; or… hmm, maybe I need to find a cute top to go with my jeans and boots in case we go casual…Regardless, I need to shop on Tuesday…. because….

… Wednesday night I have to do a Mani-Pedi; I can’t have chipped polish on a first date, and I want my polish to be fresh and pretty – in case I wear open-toed shoes with my jeans for the casual look, or if I can’t find the right pair of shoes to go with the new dress and I end having to wear my ‘standard black Prada shoes that I wear friggin’ everywhere’ – then my toes better look good too ….because….

….Thursday night is date night, and I need everything ready because by the time I get home I will just have enough time to shower, change and actually put on make-up. Plus on Thursday,  I have made a hair appointment to have my hair blown out during my lunch break, so I don’t have ‘Janell hair’, instead I will  have luscious long silky smooth ‘I just got a blow-out hair’ to go with my pretty nails and awesome outfit…..

So NOW do you see why my first available day was THURSDAY?

Finally, it’s Thursday Night, and I am ready! Of course, Nico the Italian, has been texting me every day with cute little texts, in anticipation of our big date on Thursday, flirtatious little texts, even texts verging on ‘sextie little texties’ ….Yep…IT’S ON!!!!

So, as I pull into my underground parking, I hear my text messenger going off, and as get into the elevator, and have a hand free to respond, I look down at my iPhone to see bubbles bubbling under Nico’s name, and my heart starts to pound in excitement and curiosity wondering where we will be meeting and…..

When the bubbles finally stop bubbling, as I look down wondering where my first romantic kiss with Nico will be, I see the words … Let’s meet for a cuppa Joe @ The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf @ 445 N Beverly Bvld BH, can’t wait to see u ….Okay, so I see the words, yet I re-read them several times, thinking there must be more bubbly words coming from Nico?  Did he mistype? Did his auto-correct auto-fill in for him? Was this just a text message gone wrong?  But when no more bubbles came, I knew that meant he was waiting for my response,  and I had to accept that, that, it was what it was, ugh, a coffee date.

A coffee date! He wants to meet me for a coffee date; my first date, a coffee date!  Okay, I know what you are thinking; he never clarified what exactly you would be doing at 7:30 pm, so you can’t blame the guy for wanting to grab a coffee. But FUCK! If he had told me up front that he wanted to grab a quick cup of coffee, honestly I would have likely said…NO!

Why? Why NO you ask? Are you a Diva, or a Gold-Digger or a Beatch? Okay… well….

Firstly, I only drink coffee in the morning, before 8 am, because if I have any amount of caffeine after that time,  I will never sleep at night. Who the fuck goes out for coffee at 7:30 pm? (Oh, he’s Italian, ugh, I forgot.)

Secondly, going for coffee means to me, that I am going as I am, no fuss no muss.  That means, Janell is showing up in a pony-tail, jeans and sneakers, with no make-up, except maybe some lip gloss, basically ‘au natural on steroids’ – picture that look! That is my gym look, my work look, and believe me, that look is definitely an ‘acquired-taste kind of a look!’ It’s not a first date look, definitely NOT, I need to keep that look hidden for several dates, several dates until the guy is completely hooked before I unveil that look!

So THEREFORE: I would have said NO to a coffee date for a first date!

So now I am irritated that my romantic date – or at least the one I imagined for the past four days in my head – is reduced to a coffee date, and I start to annoyingly stomp around in my place, having a mini-tantrum thinking that I just wasted $34 dollars on a Mani-Pedi, and $40 on a blow-out, and bought a new top and spent one whole evening cleaning my place like my name is Mrs. Clean; and on top of that it is 6pm, and it’s a bit late to say NO.  So how the HELLLLLL do I respond to his text?

That is when two of my friends came in very handy. The first, I like to call her CABERNET, and I poured myself a big glass and started to sip and relax and, when I was finally calm enough to enunciate words, I called one of my single girlfriends – one of my single girlfriends who was in the loop about my hot date with the Italian, one who was also almost excited for my date as I was; because, if one of us actually finds a real man in LA, then….Halleluiah, it reassures us that real men are still fucking out there, giving all of us single girls a glimmer of hope.

Sometimes all a girl needs is a good glass of wine and a good friend; and after a three minute conversation with the two of them, I not only felt better, but I had a plan. I texted him back, ‘Great, see u there!’

 

Coffee Date

Within 30 minutes, I was ready to walk out the door: hair perfect, nails perfect, make-up perfect, wearing my tight skinny jeans, sexy – yet impossible to walk in – high heel shoes, and a cleavage enhancing and somewhat revealing top. As I stood in front of my full length mirror checking out my look, sipping the last bit of my large glass of Cabernet, I came to the conclusion that I looked hot, damn hot.  I mean, I think I would even do me!

And as I got in my Uber, Nico sent a text saying he was there and did I want him to order me anything? I responded “Sure, I would love some bottled water.” And five minutes later my Uber pulled up to the Coffee Bean, and I could see Nico and my water sitting there waiting for me.  The place was almost empty, so we didn’t have any trouble spotting each other (duh, yeah, I am not the only one who doesn’t drink coffee at 7:30 pm).  I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t expecting a sexy Janell, and as a side note, I was dressed extremely classy at the event that I met him at, but I could tell by the way his eyes stared at me, that he was digging my sexy side.

The wine had relaxed me, and I poured on my Janell charm, and regaled him with stories, laughing and enjoying his company, but at 8:30pm, my phone started to blow up. Ahhh, my plan was in motion, my girlfriend texted me saying she was on her way to Craig’s, and that she would save me a seat at the bar.

As I got up to leave, thanking Nico for my ‘water’, and giving him a sweet kiss on his cheek, he seemed a bit confused. So I told him the truth: that when I realized that he only had time to grab a quick cup of coffee, I had made plans to grab dinner with a friend, as I was hungry and food was also a friend of mine.

Off to Craig’s I happily skipped, met up with Girlfriend, and we hung out with two other friends we call Chardonnay and Pinot Noir, flirted, met some nice guys, got some great Instagram shots, and had a blast.

And of course, Nico texted me back the next day, wanting to know when I was free to do dinner….

But the truth is, as handsome as he was, I found him a bit dull, and if we had gone out for the romantic dinner as I initially had hoped, I would have been let down regardless.

The universe always ultimately gives you what you need, and for now, its friends and Cabernet. And guess what, that’s not so bad!

And the moral of this Coffee Date story is:
  1. Always clarify what a date means, because this avoids: you getting let down, getting unrealistic expectations set too high, wasting hard earned money – or most importantly – your very precious time. Don’t be afraid to communicate! If you piss the other person off by asking, then they aren’t the right one for you.
  2. Guys…if you had the balls to call us on the phone and get to know us, then the likelihood of miscommunication would be greatly diminished. Don’t be afraid to speak with actual words, romanticism and chivalry is missing in our modern day life. I would love to hear your voice over seeing your happy faced emoticon. We are all LOST IN TEXTATION!
  3. And always be grateful for friends, Girlfriends, and wine. I pick wine any day over a coffee date, but, well, then that is what makes me ME!

MWAH! AUDIO LINK – POD CAST BELOW

Coffee Date

Coffee Date…. hmm…..

Hollywood Swinger

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Hollywood Swinger

Hollywood nights…..

When you and a Girlfriend are grabbing a bite at a restaurant bar – because all you really want to spend you can find on the appetizer menu – you inevitably find yourself trapped with the company of the strangers that surround you.  Sometimes you get lucky and meet interesting people, sometimes you get lucky and meet cute and hopefully prospective men, but 95 percent of the time you get stuck talking to lonely, drunk, crazy, obnoxious, boring people.  So when a cute, smart, funny guy – who actually has a job and isn’t eating at the bar because he’s an unemployed actor/writer/director/producer; rather is a busy executive who worked late and was hungry – actually insists on buying you a drink, you can understand why you might be willing to meet up with him again for an actual date.

Let’s just call him Mr. Hollywood for now.  Mr. Hollywood was an adorable package from head to toe, so when he followed up and invited me to join him for a quick drink after work one Friday night, I decided to put the effort into getting ‘date drink ready’ and went.   However, a quick drink translates in my mind to…quick, so I decided to invite a Girlfriend to meet me there a bit later as I wasn’t going to waste the cost of a blow dry and the effort into getting glammed up for what would likely be an hour.

I decided to wear my purple mini dress with four inch high Prada shoes, insuring that –  even if things didn’t go well with Mr. Hollywood – that I looked ‘LA ready’ so Girlfriend and I could still head out and monkey around in the city if we so chose.   Arriving before Mr. Hollywood, I found a place at the bar where he would easily be able to spot me, and also where Girlfriend and I could be easily spotted once he left.  Happy to see me, Mr. Hollywood sidled up to me at the bar like glue stick to a piece of paper.  As we sipped our wine, he went on to tell me about his job, his hobbies, his life, and then….HIS WIFE!  Yep, HIS WIFE! As I started to go from sipping to gulping my wine, he went on to explain that after a few years of marriage he realized that monogamy wasn’t his strong suit (that was his Hugo Boss Suit) so he told his wife that it was either a life with him accepting him as he was as he was or a life without him.

Long story short…..really short… as in the next five minutes he basically told me that he had  .….a wife that understood that he was the kind of guy who really couldn’t be with one woman…….  a wife that allowed him to have girlfriends…….a wife who actually had her own thing on the side……AND guess what…..????????? He had an upcoming trip to Vegas and would I like to go with him?

(Note to audience….I am now asking the bartender for a second glass of wine)…….

“So….I casually asked….Are you a swinger?” I mean the whole married/girlfriend/wife-she-bangs-others/ kind of thing had my mind swirling.  He admitted to having gone to swinger parties, partaking in some of the festivities, was intrigued as hell by the whole concept, but at the end of the day liked having a wife……and a girlfriend on the side.  And I got the feeling that if the girlfriend on the side was into swinging then this would have been a ‘she bang she bang’ kind of moment.

I had already told Mr. Hollywood, whose name I am now changing to Hollywood Swinger, that my Girlfriend was coming at some point, and when she walked in all of her gorgeous beauty I was relieved that my rescuer had finally arrived.   Not only was I relieved to see her, but Hollywood Swinger – now with two women – was now….. decidedly going nowhere. (So much for the quick drink!)

Hollywood Swinger

Girlfriend looked at me and said…. “Oh my God, he is adorable.”  With my teeth clenched I uttered the words…. “I will tell you later.”  And within seconds he was sandwiched in between the two of us.  I took advantage of Girlfriends presence and ran to the bathroom, taking my time to stop on the way back and chat with various peeps I knew at the bar.  By the time I returned she looked me in the eyes and silently murmured….”OMG….he just told me everything.”

Here was a man who if I reflect honestly, wasn’t lying.  I mean at least not to me.  He told me he was married, he told me he cheated, he told me he liked to swing…there was no deception here.  The only piece of the puzzle, at least to me, was whether or not the wife truly was in compliance with all of this, or if this was his story…and he was sticking to it.

Either way, neither my Girlfriend nor myself were interested in pursuing this kind of a relationship, much to Hollywood Swinger’s dismay.

And the moral of this ‘Mr. Hollywood – Hollywood Swinger’ story is….

  1. If you want to cheat and swing…HELLO ….there are sites for that, google it damn it! No need to cruise restaurant bars! (Just say hi to Miss Ashley Madison Dude!)
  2. Sometimes when at a restaurant, it is worth the extra cost to sit at a table and order a meal as …the price of privacy is…..PRICELESS!

Hollywood Swinger1

www.ashleymadison.com  (for convenience, for the cheaters in the crowd lol)

 

Vegas ‘Dating’ Odds

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Vegas 'Dating' Odds

Dating is like playing the odds in Vegas, you keep hoping you will finally end up with a winning hand……..

So God, what was he thinking when he made Eve out of one of Adam’s rib? Was he thinking,  ‘Gee, maybe if I make a woman out of a part of a man,  they’ll understand each other and get along, and life will be a merriment of joy? I think God was on drugs this day, hallucinogen’s for sure. Throughout history, the underlying complexities of the male-female relationship have been a tumultuous rollercoaster hell ride since day one, and with our modern psychology, therapists and relationship experts, the male-female dynamic is still a constant never-ending evolution of ‘how to understand’ and ‘get along tips’ that would make your head spin.

So living and dating in Los Angeles – where the creep factor /flake factor/liar factor and user factor –  are already at a phenomenally  high level, makes the successful outcome of a male-female bond friggin’ difficult for both males and females.  It’s like…..hmmm…  a game of Texas hold’em, each sex praying that what is hidden under the cards will somehow give them a winning hand that works.

I have learned that the best thing to do on a first or second date is to ask a lot of questions, and listen a lot, because guys will tell you who they really are and what they really want if you listen to them. Listening can save you from spending too much time with a ‘bad hand’, so to speak.

I recently went on a group date where I met someone who was completely different then my normal type, but to my surprise, when I got to know him a bit and went out on an ‘alone’ date with him, I actually found him interesting, smart, sweet, and I had chemistry with him. But like all good things……..

 

  1. First date, went remarkably well, even ended up in a little light make out session, during which he murmured….. ‘Can you wear your hair in pigtails sometime?’…
  •  Red Flag #1… ‘Sure, I will just add that to my bag of tricks.’ (NOT)

 

  1. Still not completely offended and still a bit intrigued until in one of our conversations where we were planning date number two where he begrudgingly agreed to come to my side of town, he coyly asked ‘so should I bring my toothbrush?’
  •  Red Flag #2 …is he kidding…he must be kidding, he must be joking around??

 

  1. Date number two is looming in the future, and I get a follow up text asking me if I can surprise him and wear something from ‘Agent Provocateur?’
  • Red Flag #3…..OMG OMG OMG….silent screams!!

 

  1. A nervous me, got up the courage when he called to say, hey I like you, and want to get to know you, but can we slow this down a bit. (Me thinking, yeah, he is going to respect what I am saying, and he is a guy pushing the waters as much as he can, because they all do it in their own way, and I think he likes me so he’s gonna understand…..right???)
  •  Red Flag #4……Never heard back.

A few texts a day later, we both came to the conclusion that we were different (shocking haha), he needed to be physical right away and I needed to fall into it more organically. Not a match, a hand of Texas hold’em that, once the card started to turn over revealed oddly matched cards that were not a winning hand.

Next….

vegas icsc 2015 043

Dating ….is like a card game in Vegas! You win some, you lose some, and sometimes you just get dealt crap!

Sugar Daddy ?!??

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Sugar Daddy

I love having a variety of guy friends; they normally will give me the most truthful, unfiltered answers when I get them to weigh in on one of my ‘boy- issues-dilemma-of-the-moment-stuff’ that plagues me.  After all, who knows a man’s brain better than another man?  The price tag for this free advice is called ‘reciprocation’.

So when GUYfriend (mid 40’s – but looks much younger as he has a dark complexion –  successful, smart, balding –  yet attractive, in a nerdy kind of a way) called me the other day with one of his stories, I played my part by listening carefully and  trying NOT to judge (and as you will see it wasn’t easy) as I pushed my cart through Whole Foods.

GUYfriend went on to tell me about this girl, for the sake of this story let’s call her ‘Bimbo Babe’, who answered his email on one of the ‘dating’ sites he was on.  He went on to tell me that Bimbo Babe came over to his house (on a first date, err ok), and he gave her a drink (a.k.a. plied her with liquor), and as they were talking he casually mentioned that she had amazing boobs and asked her if they were natural (btw…fair question, LA could be renamed silicon valley #2).  ‘Bimbo Babe’ was more than happy to lift her shirt and show off her breasts, allowing and even encouraging him to take a ‘boobie test drive’ so as to prove the naturalness of her god given assets.

Of course this ‘boobie test drive’ caused GUYfriend to get inflated male parts, which resulted in the start of a make out session until….. ‘Bimbo Babe’, who I am now renaming  ‘Big Busted Bimbo Babe’,  pulled away and said, “So…if you want to sleep with me, it’s $1500 dollars”.  Now, I know GUYfriend REALLY well, so at this point in the story I asked…. “ummm..errr….what was that website you were on….?”

After about five minutes of back peddling and over all avoidance of my question, GUYfriend finally manned up with the truthful answer….it was a ‘Sugar Daddy’ site.  He went on to clarify that he lets the women he meets  on this site know in advance that –  while he is ‘generous’ and wants to connect and hook up –  that he also lets them know that he is not paying for sex.  He went on to explain these girls are just, as he put it, ‘LA gold digging sluts’, so he doesn’t care if he taunts them with the possibility of gifts.

So the story, of course, did not end with the $1500 price tag, ‘Big Busted Bimbo Babe’ suggested maybe a nice hand bag would help her cause, and as engorged as GUYfriend was, he kept telling her that he wasn’t going to pay for sex. The back and forth negotiations continued as neither side was willing to concede a loss here.   Let’s just say what transpired was not sex, but GUYfriend ended the night with his money in his pocket, and if I was going to compare the outcome of this night to the economy…. the issue was no longer one of inflation, rather one of deflation.

GUYfriend of course bragged that as crazy as this night had been, he was indeed the victor and reminded me that L.A.  girls are nothing but trash….

 

This is when I decided he needed an intervention…… and this is how the dialogue went…

ME:  “GUYfriend, if you keep going on these sites, you are never going to meet nice girls, what the hell do you expect?”

HIM:  “Janell, what is the difference between what I do, and the guys you have dated?  Those guys have taken you on trips, bought you gifts, taken you for dinners….it’s still an exchange of sex for money.”

I needed a few seconds to reflect and then I said…

ME:  “Well the difference is, I never asked them to buy me anything. The difference is I never expected gifts or trips.  GUYfriend, my experience is that when a man loves a woman, they like to do nice things for them…..”

HIM:  “OK J, still sex for money as I see it; I still don’t see any difference.”

ME:  “The difference is I would have been there without the gifts, without the trips. The difference is that I was there because I loved the guy…

And he knows me, and he knew I was right, and he knows who I am…. And I haven’t given up hope on GUYfriend meeting a great girl, but for now, he is definitely getting what he is putting out there… so for now, when wants to date one of my friends………. I JUST SAY NO…

 

Sugar Daddy 3Sugar Daddy2

 

 

 

 

 

Stayed Tuned….Next week’s story is……L.A. YOU CRACK ME UP!

 

Online Dating “OK Stupid”

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milan

Profile Pic!

 

Online dating…. I have been beyond hesitant about trying it. I mean….how many times have I come home exhausted from work, had a nice hot bath, poured myself a glass of cabernet (okay two glasses), and curled up in my duvet to find my remote scanning the channels until it lands on a Lifetime  made for TV movie, you know those made for TV movies that women secretly love?  The ones where the men are all some form of a killer/stalker/beater/thief?  Only to get engrossed in another story where after 2 hours of drama, it ends with a note reminding us that this story was based on a true story, causing you get up from your cozy bed to check that you really did lock and chain your front door when you came home.

So… Online dating has always seemed a little dodgy to me, I mean I have never wanted to end up the subject of a Lifetime movie as a victim of some dating-website-serial-killer.   Besides that, how can you tell from a picture and answers to often bizarre questions if you will be a match with some random guy?  I can’t even buy clothes on the internet. A picture of a beautiful dress is really worthless until you try it on to see how it fits to your body, examine the fabric for quality, and see how the movement and flow suits you, so an online purchase is about as guaranteed as a win at the tables in Vegas. So how, HOW, HOW I ask can I possibly find a man online?

Well peer pressure pushed me with their litany of excuses as to why not to try… …. ‘Janell, it’s how it’s done now’…. ‘I know someone who met her husband on line’…… ‘It is really fun!!!’…. ‘Guys don’t approach girls anymore’… and on…and on…and on…So much so I was pushed  and pressured, even gently bullied by my best bitches into trying the world of online dating.

A hesitant me set up my little profile, and decided to try a free site whose questions would not require me to spend 3 hours of my time to answer, and chose four pictures that truly represented who I was.  A few hours later, I went back in and to my surprise I had over 50 requests from men who wanted to meet me.  I had an instant ego boost thinking that I must be insanely popular and ‘gee’ my girlfriends were right this time, but then seconds later after having opened up a few of my potential candidates, my ego boast quickly deflated and I found myself shocked and horrified by some of the men who found me ‘interest worthy’.

A now humbled me read through their profiles and perused their pictures trying to understand how some of these men thought that I might be a match for them: a 25 year old father of two living in Valencia, a 60 year old bearded beer belly mechanic from the valley, a man who wanted a threesome with me and his ugly girlfriend named ‘Little Debbie’…. Did they not see the ‘sequent-dress-high-heels-globe-trotting-social-butterfly’ profile pictures and take one look and just say no?

Freak show aside I finally narrowed it down to three candidates that were definitely the best of the lot:

Candidate A :  Handsome, tall, educated architect, age appropriate who seemed rather sweet.  Email dialogue pleasant until I questioned why someone who was 6 foot 4 had such a little dog? (Me wondering…is he married, does he have a girlfriend??? I mean a Chihuahua?) Candidate A responded that it wasn’t his dog, it was his friend’s dog (seriously?) and that he had ‘kitty cats’.  He went on and on about his ‘kitty cats’ and how he loved his ‘kitty cats’ and how he couldn’t live without his ‘kitty cats’.  Candidate A did not receive a response back from me after that.

Candidate B:  Older, sweet looking, business man who had a kind face. Emails interesting until  he asked me to send a few recent pictures as he had a bad experiences with women who did not resemble their photos at all.  I felt a bit uncomfortable, but sent a recent one with a friend at an event, and a second group shot of some of my friends and I standing in the kitchen at Cut restaurant in Beverly Hills with none other than Wolfgang Puck himself. He thanked me for the photos, and asked “By the way, who’s the chef?” REALLY!!!!…… he didn’t recognize Wolfgang Puck; the chef whose face is plastered on everything from soup cans to Oscar glam?  That is how Candidate B was deleted from the list.

 

wg5

Seriously…he doesn’t know who Wolfgang Puck is?…He can’t hang with me….Seriously!

 

Candidate C:  Cute, writer, comedian, age appropriate, aggressively pursuant. Not a big email fan, so after a few conversations, date one happened. And to my surprise, it was great.  He was shorter than his profile had implied, but interesting and we hit it off.  Date two….I was actually looking forward to it.  Until, for some reason, during dinner, he started to talk about his ‘ex-tattooed-pill-addicted-suicide-attempting-ex-girlfriend’ and her new ‘gangbanger-Mohawk-haired-boyfriend’, who had threatened him in text messages, and somehow this had resulted in a personal encounter that resulted in ‘knife-treats-fights-police-and-lawyers’.  Candidate C could not understand why I didn’t take him up on his offer for a ride home.

That was it; I shut down my profile (at least for now) on “Ok Stupid”. Back to the real world and hoping to meet someone in ‘life’. My brief stint on ‘Ok Stupid’ did teach me a few things that I need to pass on in case you decide to brave that sea of insanity:

1.Make sure you have a ‘weed wacker’ beside you to cut out the crazy ones right away.

2.Realize that even though there are a lot of lonely people out there, narrowing it down to the best of the worst isn’t always saying much.

3. Remember your value and integrity and that the right person will show up somehow in your life. You may be one of the lucky 1 in 100 that meets your love on line, or in the street, or hey on a stripper pole in a club, but when you meet them…hold on to them because……IT SURE IS HELL TRYING TO FIND THEM!

 

Bulgatti Beverly Hills Style!

“Ok Stupid” Profile Pic

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“Ok Stupid” profile pic

 

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“Ok Stupid” Profile Pic

Happily Married Cheater…..

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jm2Married men who cheat are definitely not unique to Los Angeles, but I have to say the typical married cheater in the LA scene is definitely more ‘ballsy’ then the prairies of Canada.  Forget the ‘untanned wedding ban demarcation’ that women historically look for, or the ‘folding arms and hiding left hand move’ or the ‘casual left hand in the front pants pocket’ look –  LA cheaters are made of a different breed.

Examples, you want examples????  Okay, how about the ‘well-known but not to me Producer’ who told me on date one that he was divorced,  then during our third date when I asked about his ex-wife he responded with a puzzled look saying “You must be confused. I have never been married.” (Keep track of your lies please!)  Nancy Drew detective hat on and a few calls to a few well-placed friends and ‘well-known but not to me Producer’ was not only married, but married with two kids, three cats, a dog and a famous racehorse.  ICK – I was fresh off the boat from Canada and horrified!

 Then after many MANY more encounters with married men in between……..this……

A couple of years ago, while standing in that dreaded Southwest  ‘A, B and C’ group line, Mr. B14 who was behind my B13 me offered to help me carry my heavy check on bag, the gentleman that he was.  Of course, that meant that it was much easier for Mr. B 14 to sit beside me as the aisle seat was taken and the plane was already half full,  hell we were practically friends after the 20 minute time waiting in line.

Mr. B14 was not only a gentleman when it came to carrying bags, he also wanted to ply me with a couple of glasses of the screw open wine that Southwest supplied to accompany the dried peanuts we were munching on.  During our cocktails and appetizers, Mr. B14 told me of the boys’ weekend he had planned in Vegas, inviting me at every turn to come and join him and his four friends that were all meeting up in Vegas.  Somewhere into cocktail number two, he let it slip that he was married.  So with twenty minutes left in the flight, I decided to grill and question him as to his cheating ways and this is what I learned:

 

  1. Mr. B14 was happily married, loved his wife and had a full sex life, having sex at least 3 to 4 times a week. (Lucky him, just call me single and sexless in the city…)
  2. Mr. B14 told me that cheating had nothing to do with not loving his wife, it was just that he needed variety, and he cheated just for the excitement of having a new sexual partner. (Ahhh…. weren’t you were supposed to get it out of your system before you were married?….)
  3. Mr. B14 told me that his wife was good in bed, but alas after two kids her body was not was it was ten years ago, and he remarked that her body was ‘nothing like mine’. (Asshole…I haven’t had kids yet and your wife sacrificed her perfect form to bear you two heirs to your fucking throne!….)
  4. Mr. B14 told me that out of his 4 married friends that were coming to Vegas, their stance on cheating was as follows:
  • Two of the guys had terrible  sex lives  – and they were all looking forward to hopefully getting some….
  •  One guy had a great sex life and had no interest in cheating….
  • One guy had a terrible sex life, in fact he and his wife had not had sex in over two years, but he would never cheat……
  •  And of course let’s not forget about him…. happily sexed up at home and he couldn’t wait to pounce on…gross, here we go…me!

At the end of the flight, I was glad that I had done my little interview-investigation into his horny little head, but was left with a heavy pit in my stomach and a nagging question in my mind… Is marriage an outdated institution in our time? All I know being single, as lonely as it can be, has got to be better than having your husband come home from Vegas with an ‘Oh no the condom broke STD’!!!!

jm5

Classy….right from the start…LOL!!!!

 

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