Sweating the Summer Bikini Season

What does summer mean to you: lazy beach days making sand castles, backyard barbecues with friends, sipping mojitos poolside, or if you are in Canada, you might be thinking… fighting mosquitos? Whatever it is, and no matter where you live, there is one common variable that every single woman across the country, the continent, and most likely the world, thinks as we approach summer… it’s the ‘oh shit I have to get into a swimsuit or bikini’ kind of an ‘oh shit.’

Yep, getting into your summer bikini is enough to put even a fit girl into a serious panic.  Swimsuits have evolved from something that was meant for a rigorous water sport into a fashionably skimpy accessory; one that often bares more of your bod then your Victoria’s Secret push-up bra and boy shorts.

So when summer bikini season hits, and that dreaded invite shows up in your email that says ‘Pool Party’ or ‘Beach Party’, and the start time is from 2 pm on, you know that you are going to look absolutely ridiculous if you don’t show up in some sort of beach attire. Even if you have been preparing for the last month or two in advance to get ready to rock that summer bikini—eating healthier, drinking less booze, and frenetically working out in your summer-is-around-the-corner mode—you still are going to need to physically and mentally prepare yourself to unveil your practically naked body for the entire party to see.

Guys, on the other hand, throw on some funky board shorts, and don’t give a flying crap if their beer guts are hanging out; they are just happy to be half-naked with a bunch of almost totally naked females. And speaking of guys, we women are well aware that the visual creatures known as ‘men’ are ‘sussing up’ every curve on our body, along with every flaw. And it’s that ‘Oh my God, he is going to see some cellulite or some back fat or some imperfection that results in females sweating the summer bikini season even before it begins.

Truthfully, it’s not fair. Women should start to be just as critical of men’s bodies as they are of ours. But alas, that will never happen, because we as women are so busy worrying about our sags and cellulite that we don’t have time to obsess over men’s imperfections. Focusing on ours is a full time job. Guys, you really don’t know what we go through.  You don’t know the stress of putting on a string bikini or a swimsuit, as even the most gorgeous and slim swimsuit models can suffer from serious summer bikini insecurities.

What are our summer bikini insecurities, and how do we deal with them???

• The worst, I mean the worst, is if you get your period that day and you are bloated! UGH! That is an unavoidable tragedy that is feared, truly feared; plus hemorrhaging in a bikini sucks, and the chance of spills and leakage is not only greatly increased, it is likely.
• God forbid you accidentally eat something that make you bloated for days and your protruding belly looks like you might be 2 to 3 months pregnant! So for several days before the party, we consciously try to consume foods that don’t puff us out. Yet, sometimes the bloated belly is an unpredictable anomaly and no matter how much coffee you drink that day, the coffee’s diuretic effects are still totally lost on the bloated belly.
• Your bikini wax as to be precisely timed. You need to wax far enough in advance so the red bumps from where the wax tore your pubic hairs away from your crotch area are no longer red and noticeable. Yet you can’t have it done too far out in case you have pubic crotch stubble, because … who wants to look at that?? Ew!
• You have to get a spray tan. Now this one has to be precisely timed—precision timing so to speak— because the first day of the spray tan you are gooey and can’t sweat, so that doesn’t work. The second day your spray tan looks its ultimate bronziest, so spray tanning the night before is truly optimal. After that it fades, often unevenly, especially if you shave your legs and it starts to look fucking skanky. And why is a spray tan a must? WHY? BECAUSE TANNED FAT LOOKS BETTER THAN WHITE FAT. Trust me, it just does.
• A fresh non-chipped mani-pedi is a must do the night before or the day of, because… chipped polish is a full-on trashy look, and as both your toenails and fingertips will be on full display, a fresh mani-pedi is absolutely on your ‘must do’ list.   Plus, the colors need to complement and accentuate your summer bikini.
• As well, you need to get waterproof mascara and make-up because, even though it is a pool party, you still want to look ‘evening glam’ as normally these pool-party-peeps only see you at nightclubs or parties, which happen after dark. And let’s face it; you still want to look hot.
• Your hair, you need to spend time doing your damn hair, as sexy beach hair is a look that takes time to create; or money, so your hairdresser can create it for you.
• And shit, speaking of money you need a cute swimsuit, slides (yes you still need heels so your legs look good), a cool sun hat, and a sexy cover up that still shows your bikini poking through.

Shittttt…

So if you can navigate the above obstacles, you can likely survive the Summer Bikini Season, and have some beach and pool party fun, and hopefully come out relatively unscathed. Plus after a few cocktails in the sun, you start to forget about your hair, your make-up, your cellulite, your fat cells, your belly bloat and actually relax and have a good time. And having fun and being happy is its own aphrodisiac, so even if you don’t feel ‘perfectly summer bikini beach ready’, why not just have fun and be comfy in your own skin, as life is too short not to enjoy!

And on that note… I am headed to the gym, then stopping at whole foods for some healthy juices and hitting the spray tan salon on the way home. Just sayin’!

Below is the audio link for those of you trapped on the 405, or the 101, or the Trans Canada Highway… xoxo Send, share and life if this made you laugh or think or, umm? Fart???