Creepy Handshake Dude
Creepy Handshake, have you ever gotten one? Please don’t confuse a creepy handshake with a sweaty palm handshake, or a limpy-wimpy handshake, or a held-too-long handshake; a creepy handshake is in a league all of its own. What is a creepy handshake? Let me set the stage a little…..
Last week, I attended a fabulous Hollywood party at a mansion in Beverly Hills. The weather was beautiful and my Girlfriend (who I went to the party with) and I were having fun, sipping champagne and daintily munching on the bite-size hors d’oeurves that the catering staff kept tempting us with; a perfect end to another beautiful day in sunny Los Angeles.
As we wandered around, mixing and mingling with the various peeps in attendance, my Girlfriend suddenly noticed that the world famous LA BILLIONAIRE was present, and she made a beeline to go meet him, with me following behind. She made her way up to him, which was not entirely easy, as he was flanked by his entourage of minions that he brought along to make sure that no one would get near him – which if you really think about it, is an odd dichotomy in and of itself. I mean, why go to a party if you are going to isolate yourself from everyone? Anyway, her blonde-sexy-self must have made an impression on LA BILLIONAIRE, as the waves of minions parted giving her just enough room to sidle up against him and introduce herself.
I stood behind her, sipping my champagne, and after he refused to get a picture with her, she turned around and said, “Oh, and this is my friend Janell”. LA BILLIONAIRE looked me dead in the eyes, giving me that look – that come hither ‘I want to do you look’ – and said, “We have met before, haven’t we?” I shook my head and said “No”, but then it dawned on me that two years ago I had met him at a charity golf event, and said, “Well, actually I did meet you at a charity golf event a couple of years ago.”
As he held his stare directly at me, I reached out my hand to shake his hand, and….he did it. He gave me the creepy handshake. As the palm of his hand touched my palm, and while his eyes were fixated into my eyes, his middle finger started to quickly vibrate back and forth on the palm of my hand.
He, he, he …FINGERED the palm of my hand! He molested my hand!
And the whole time while he was fingering the palm of my hand, he was giving me that look; that look like he would like to finger other parts of my body. You know the look, the look like he would like to put his manly bits into various orifices of my girlie bits. And, it didn’t turn me on. It didn’t make me want to ‘do it’, or ‘do him’, or ‘do anything’ with LA BILIONAIRE. It did, however, make me flee to the nearest restroom to thoroughly wash my hands, as WHO KNOWS WHERE HIS FINGER HAD BEEN?
I am sorry, but getting the creepy handshake isn’t a turn-on. It is, as its name implies (Okay, so the name I gave it!) – Creepy. The worst part of this creepy LA BILLIONAIRE handshake experience, was that it brought back a memory that I had repressed; a somewhat traumatic repressed memory. You see, LA BILLIONARE wasn’t the first to finger my sweet palm.
Fifteen years ago, when I was leaving the Beverly Hilton with my then boyfriend – my six foot six, husky, mobster-looking boyfriend – a FAMOUS POLITICIAN passed us by as we exited the elevator. Ex-boyfriend – who had a boisterous and gregarious personality – stopped FAMOUS POLITICIAN, introduced himself and started to engage in a conversation with him. FAMOUS POLITICIAN was very polite, and gave my ex-boyfriend a minute or so of his time as I stood silently beside him, somewhat gobsmacked that my ex-boyfriend had the courage to pursue a conversation with FAMOUS POLITIAN, while at the same time mesmerized by being in FAMOUS POLITICIAN’s presence.
As FAMOUS POLITICIAN excused himself, in order to disengage from this unexpected verbal exchange, he looked at me and stuck out his hand to introduce himself to me as well. I felt so honored that FAMOUS POLITICIAN wanted to meet me, and as he looked intently into my eyes, and as I extended my hand to shake his, FAMOUS POLITIAN slide in the creepy handshake move, and fingered my palm while telling me how nice it was to meet me.
I was a bit traumatized by the handshake, and sat silently listening to ex-boyfriend talk about what a great guy FAMOUS POLITICIAN was as we drove away from the Beverly Hilton. A great guy, until I told ex-boyfriend what FAMOUS POLITICIAN had done. And then, I spent the rest of the night trying to keep ex-boyfriend from going back to the Hilton to track down FAMOUS POLITICIAN and rip his head off.
So the night after I received my creepy handshake number 2, I was headed to an art gallery opening with a different girlfriend, crammed into the back seat of her Porsche 911 as her Guy Friend –who is 6 foot 4, and extremely handsome – won the place in the passenger’s seat for the night, as his legs were definitely longer than mine. From the back seat, I started to tell them about my escapades of the night prior, and how LA BILLIONAIRE had slipped in the creepy handshake move.
To my surprise, my Girlfriend had never experienced a creepy handshake in her life. For some reason I thought this must be a ‘male thing to do’, and assumed every girl had experienced this cheesy move at some point. Suddenly, I was glad that I was trapped in the back seat, as I felt embarrassed for telling my story, feeling like I was a magnet for loser-cheeseball-men. Then, Guy Friend came to my rescue, when he piped up from his comfy position in the front seat and said that, he too, had experienced the creepy handshake.
He went on to tell us that a few years back, when he was promoting a club, a club patron came up to him, and engaged in conversation with him and slid in the creepy handshake move. Guy Friend assumed that the guy must have been Gay, and that was his way of hitting on him to see if he might be interested in playing ball for a different team, so to speak.
He reaffirmed to my friend that the creepy handshake move was creepy, disturbing, and something that he had put out of his memory until I decided to regale everyone on the way to the gallery with my tales of woe from the previous night. He said that the creepy handshake move was so disturbing to him, that he had filed it in that ‘never to be thought of again’ file in his brain. A file that had been permanently shut until my big mouth started to make conversation from my crammed position in the back seat of a Porsche.
We continued the dialogue after the gallery opening while wolfing down our tacos at El Coyote, and we all came to the same conclusion: creepy handshakes come from creepy people, and it doesn’t matter how much money one makes, or one’s position in society, or one’s sexual preferences – any unwanted sexual overtures are UNWANTED, and disturbing to the recipient.
So the moral of the story is:
- Never assume because someone is rich or famous that you are free from unwanted sexual advances – on the contrary, their position most likely makes them feel untouchable (Hello Bill Cosby!).
- For all the people out there who think the creepy handshake move is a turn- on, news flash – it is a turn-off!
- And, like the Girl Scouts motto states to ‘Always be Prepared’ – so make sure to have a travel size of antibacterial gel just in case your palm gets slimed, because remember – you never know where that finger has been!
PODCAST AUDIO LINK FOR THE LAZY BONES OUT THERE!
Have a great week, if you enjoyed this story, please comment, like or forward to a friend! We all need to laugh and learn from each other! Peace xo Janell Martin