Indecent Proposal – you might remember the 1993 film – where a scheming rich dude offers a young married couple a million dollars in exchange for a night with the wife; a tempestuously twisted sex tale that pits morality and values against money.
Hollywood is not a city that is recognized for its moral compass, so understandably examples of Indecent Proposals are more prevalent in the Los Angeles-Hollywood-Beverly Hills zip codes. I am sure you have heard about the Indecent Proposal called the ‘Casting Couch’, or the ever so popular Indecent Proposal where ‘Sugar Babies’ can find a new guy to call ‘Daddy’. And then there is the worldwide ultimate Indecent Proposal known as the Ashley Madison Website – ick! But have you ever heard of an Indecent Plumbing Proposal??? Only my Indecent Proposal would involve – a plumber!
When I first purchased my condo, the water heater malfunctioned so many times in six months – that eventually – it had to be replaced with a new one. The only upside to this was my that condo was new construction – which came with a one year new construction warranty from the Builder – so even though I suffered through months of intermittent cold showers, at least I didn’t have to pay for the repairs. Hymie was the plumber recommended by the Builder, so during the six months of the continual-broken-water-heater nightmares, he made so many trips to my home that I had his cell phone listed amongst my favorites on my iPhone.
The good Canadian girl in me was brought up to be polite, so each time Hymie was working away in my home, I always offered him water, snacks and engaged in chit-chat as he banged away at the water heater. I learned a lot about him on these visits. Hymie is of the Orthodox Jewish Faith; as such, he adheres to the laws of the Torah. This meant that the Sabbath wasn’t on Sunday – instead it was from Sundown Friday to Sundown Saturday – and during the Sabbath he wasn’t allowed to work, drive a vehicle, watch TV or even use a phone. It sounded like torture to me, and what I deemed to be his torture became my torture when the damn water heater broke down on a Friday night or Saturday.
Eventually during his visits, our idle banter led to conversations about dating in LA, as I was curious to know how it was for him to date in a city where ‘mini-skirts and high heels’ mark a stark contrast to the ‘plain long skirts and kerchiefs’ the Orthodox Jewish girls typically wear. Hymie confessed to me that had not yet met an Orthodox Jewish girl who he found interesting and attractive enough to marry, still he was required to marry within his faith. He informed me that he found Shiksa’s particularly attractive – not just because of their mostly blonde hair and blue eyes – but also because he said he needed someone who was independent, spirited and fun. And for the most part, the girls he had dated from his faith were far too conciliatory and well, boring for him. I joked that he needed to find a blonde Orthodox Jewish girl that rode a skateboard.
So last month, when water started to pour out from under my kitchen sink every time I used it, I decided to give my plumber buddy, Hymie, a call. As I still had his cell in my ‘Favorites’, I called hoping that he would remember me.
He answered on the third ring. “Well if it isn’t my favorite Shiksa, how are you doing?” Hymie asked. Of course I was thinking, ‘obviously not great if I am calling you’, but said “Great, things are great, did you ever meet that girl riding a skateboard?” He went on to tell me that he was in a relationship with a great, pretty, upbeat cool blonde-haired Orthodox Jewish Girl. I told him that I was really happy for him, and was glad that he had met his match. He went onto tell me that even though she was everything he wanted, that he still wasn’t ‘satisfied’.
As I really did not want to know the WHY in the WHY he wasn’t ‘satisfied’, I decided to change the now weird direction this call was taking and get to the reason I was calling, and quickly circled the conversation back to my plumbing problem. After telling him about the leaking pipe, I mentioned that as I had referred his company to many people – a company that he was the sole owner of – that I really hoped that he would be able to swing me a good deal. Also, as I am a total blonde when it comes to things like plumbing repairs, I remarked that I trusted him to be honest and not take advantage of my, well, for lack of a better word, ‘blondeness.’
“So you want a deal?” he asked. “Well, if you want a deal, maybe I could swing by tonight when I am finished my jobs around 8 pm, and I could take a look at the problem, and then we could start with a glass of wine and take it from there.” If he could have seen my face at that moment, it was one of pure shock and horror, with me not even sure I believed what I had just heard. I was quiet for a second, and then decided to play it off as if I had misunderstood him, and said that umm…well, I was taking antibiotics for a chest infection (which was true, and even coughed a little to make it sound more legitimate) and said that I really couldn’t drink wine for the moment, but sure, he could stop by – but no later than six pm as I was very sick and needed my sleep.
He went on to say that he could wait until I was better, because he really wanted to hang out with me, drink some wine with me, and maybe after a few glasses of wine we might find a way to make some kind of a deal work. I told him that “Gee, the leak really shouldn’t wait until I am better, so go ahead and send someone else.” He hurried off the phone saying, “I’ll text you back and see what I can do.”
UGH I just had my first Indecent Proposal by a plumber! An Orthodox Jewish plumber who really shouldn’t even be thinking about …. umm… ‘partaking in wine and seeing where it goes’ with a Shiksa! An Orthodox Jewish Plumber who has a girlfriend! An Orthodox Jewish plumber who wanted to plug my leak with parts that DON’T belong in a tool box. It was like I was in a modern day Fiddler on the Roof, except the only that was going to get Fiddled was me! ICK!
The next day a man named Jacob called from his company saying Hymie had asked him to set up a time to come to my house to repair the leak. I was relieved that the ‘horny-unsatisfied-wine drinking Hymie wasn’t coming to ‘fix my leak’.
Jacob, who looked a great deal like Hymie – in fact they looked like brothers, but couldn’t be brothers because it was Friday night past sundown – took a look under my sink and said, “Well, it’s the pipe and likely the connecting ring is also going to need to be replaced, it’s going to cost $450” as he pointed to a little piece of pipe that was no more than 3 inches long.
A horrified me, said that it seemed like a ridiculously high price. He went on to explain that the pipe was made out of copper, and was expensive to replace. I asked him to please check with his office as I was a repeat customer, to see if they could do better than that. So, they lowered the price to $350 to do the ‘extensive repair’ with the very expensive ‘copper replacement pipe’ that was going to take ‘several hours.’
I felt sick, and said that maybe I could wait, and just not use the sink, as I had a ‘sinking’ feeling in my gut like I was being taken advantage of. Jacob explained that he had to charge me $75 for coming out, even if he didn’t fix the problem, so I ultimately gave in and gave him the go ahead.
Imagine my surprise when 32 minutes later the leak was fixed – and no expensive copper pipe was needed to be used – only the small copper ring and the washer inside were replaced. I felt relieved knowing that the problem wasn’t as large as they had anticipated, and knowing that, assumed the price should therefore be way, way, WAYYYYYY less? Jacob said, with a grin on his face, that the price was still – $350. No matter how much I argued, or tried to reason with him, he wouldn’t budge. He said that he quoted for the job, and the price didn’t change just because the outcome wasn’t as he had predicted. I was appalled! This was a disgusting, horrible, travesty of plumbing injustice. The indecent pluming proposal had now become an indecent plumbing bill.
Do you think Hymie was responsible for this? Do you think he told Jacob to literally fuck with me and screw me over with the price because, well, I refused his Indecent Proposal to literally screw me? I would love to hear your thoughts on that one! Email me you insights!
And the moral of this Indecent Plumbing Proposal is:
- If your Plumber happens to be an Orthodox Jew, the first time he mentions that he is attracted to Shiksa’s, should be the last time you let him into your home.
- If you are a girl, and plumbing or home repairs in general aren’t your thing, import one of your male friends to hang out with you when situations out of your knowledge grasp might require a male influencer to help keep you from getting screwed – as sexist as this seems – reality still bites.
See link below for info on the “Indecent Proposal” movie starring Demi Moore and Robert Redford!
If you got a laugh please forward, comment or like…
Until next time bitches! xo
PS….If you are too lazy to read, click on the audio link below – but I stumble a bit, not easy to read without hesitation!
Written by Janell Martin
Edited by Brenda Meyer