OMG….Did you see her SELFIE? OMG …look at the bitch’s SELFIE? What was she thinking? What was she wearing?….What’s up with her hair?….OMG her nostrils are ginormous….Is that white powder I see in her nose hairs?….hmmmm….Figured as much.”
Smart phone cameras have led to a phenomenon known as the ‘SELFIE.’ The SELFIE … the art of contorting and twisting your arm to an awkward position so that you find the best angle to take a picture of yourself; in fact there is even a reverse button on your camera to make your self-obsessed- photo -taking SELFIE easier to obtain. The result…SELFIE suffocation is everywhere.
Australia has taken credit for the invention off the SELFIE after some kid accidentally took a picture of his bloodied lip on his 21st birthday; a claim to fame that is bizarrely lost on me. And since this time the SELFIE has taken on a life of its own. In 2013 the Oxford Dictionary – yes the real Oxford Dictionary- named it word of the year. At the Oscars in 2014, Ellen DeGeneres celebrity drenched SELFIE went viral. The SELFIE has inspired a song and a TV show – both ‘ ironically’ called ‘Selfie’; and just when you thought the market was fairly SELFIE satiated, along comes Kim Kardashian and her well titled book ‘Selfish’ – boasting 300 SELFIE shots of Kim since her rise to stardom. Page upon page we see the gorgeous Kim K recount her celebrity life, most of it scantily clad I will add, all while holding her phone.
Clearly, even though we are slowly been SEFLIE suffocated, the SELFIE….It is not going away. But in a way, I wish it would? Why? Why you ask??
- Friendship Wars – You see, not only does this uncomfortable arm contorting result in your very own collection of SEFLIE’S, you can also squish all your friends together and do group SELFIES, the tallest friend with the longest arms most likely in possession of the group SELFIE shot – a shot that is texted to all in the photo for group SELFIE approval. Of course, when the group SELFIE is not group-pre-approved, and is posted on Social Media for the world to see – it is deemed a treacherous act indeed. The result… Friendship Wars!
- Expressionless Nation – The SELFIE evolution could also be Generation Sad. How often do you see smiling SELFIES? Over 90 percent of the SELFIES posted are of serious, miserable, sad looking- expressionless people. Why? Because after the age of 5, when you smile and laugh and are joyous, those nasty little eye wrinkles and smile lines appear on your face – moving skin tends to do this. SELFIE shots are taken at incredibly close angles, so unless you have gorilla arms, they show every flaw. The result – an Expressionless SELFIE Nation.
- Generation Poser – We are breeding a generation of ‘self-absorbed posers’. The need to take and share your SELFIES is hogging up social media sites. I know you aren’t tired of looking at you, but ummm, is there anything else interesting in and around your world other than YOU that you might wanna share?? Just asking….Generation Poser.
- Celebrity SEFLIES– okay, so I get that you’re famous and you don’t want imperfect pictures of you out there in the universe – who does – but could you maybe smile in a few? I am tired to seeing famous people, in amazing locations, doing amazing things, looking fucking miserable. I get that you are on a private jet, and you are sipping champagne, but why the hell aren’t you enjoying it?…..Celebrity SELFIES!
At the end of the day, Dermatologist and Plastic surgeons are totally loving the SELFIE, as I am sure their business as quadrupled since this craze began. And as much as the SELFIE phenomenon irritates me on many levels, …I know what I need to do if I am going to SURVIVE SELFIE suffocation…….
- Get photo shop so I can fix my SELFIE shots! ASAP!
- Save money so I can get botox and fillers! ASAP!
Wanna take a Selfie?